


Someday It's Hard (To See)

by Selenai



Series: All I Gave You ( Is Gone) [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Betrayal, Brothers, First Kisses, Honest Conversations, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thorki - Freeform, psuedo incest, sibcest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 18:56:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20680298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenai/pseuds/Selenai
Summary: Thor can't remember how many days it's been since Loki died. But now that he knows it was all a farce, he's determined to find out why Loki would betray him like that. He's tired of mourning people that aren't really dead.





	Someday It's Hard (To See)

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as a tiny drabble, but now I think it's going to blossom into a full blown series. I've never written Thorki fic before, so please excuse me if it's awkward as hell! Please tell me what you think!

Thor had lost count on how many days it had been since his little brother had died. He’d gone through the stages of grief, had been entirely crippled with it, and had pushed everyone away. But now-- now he knew. Now he knew that Loki was really alive.

How was it possible? He’d seen him die. Had held him, had wept over his body. Had felt the life leave him.

Was his brother really so powerful that he could twist the reality in such a way? If he could fake his death, then what else could he fake?

As Thor wiped ichor and blood from his armour and stepped deeper into Asgard, he wondered if his brother had faked everything with him from the moment they’d first spoken to each other of things that had always seemed-- well, taboo. And all the way to his death.

Not a real death.

He was so angry. He’d never been so lied to. He’d never believed that Loki would hurt him in such a way, and yet-- there was the proof standing among the commoners, praising himself with a mockery of his death.

Anger sparked in the form of electricity between his fingertips, and he stalked up the stairs to where his brother, father? Farce. Was addressing their people. Had he really thought that Thor was so stupid he’d never figure out the truth?

Now that he was so close to him, he could sense his magic. A warm and yet cool aura that licked at his hands and feet as he wrapped his arm around his brother’s throat and held him in place for Mjolnir to destroy.

Of course he’d never allow it to kill his brother, but he deserved a good scare for what he’d done to Thor. Thor, who had mourned for over a year thinking his brother was good and gone. Thor, who now felt a thrill of joy as Loki turned back into himself and was released from Thor’s grip.

It was true.

Thor let out a gasp of a breath and closed his eyes. Loki was-- this was Loki. 

He’d known it before. Had believed it as soon as he’d been told that Loki was on Asgard, but to see it himself? To see the dark hair, pale skin, green eyes-- the figure that had haunted his dreams for so long… to see him.

Joy. Fury. Storm clouds pulled together from above him and it began to rain. The commoners seemed unphased as they split apart from the brothers and went about their usual business. It wasn’t that they weren’t curious, it was more that they were used to this. This was probably the closest to normality they’d had in a long, long time. 

Even to Thor, it felt more… settling. Something that had been aching and dislodged in his chest settled and eased. He felt-- he felt like himself as he looked down on his brother who had never looked more the picture of a mousey, insufferable, silver-tongued devil.

“Thor-- I can explain,” Loki began, both hands raised in front of him.

“Not here,” Thor said quickly, grabbing Loki by the elbow and all but dragging the reluctant younger god up towards the doors to their home.

Loki dragged his feet but, uncharacteristically, remained quiet as Thor lead him up the stairs to his chambers. It was as though he could feel Thor’s uncertain anger. Outside, thunder clapped and Loki jumped a little in surprise. The sound was so loud it echoed through the rooms of the palace and the light so bright that all but Thor would have been blinded momentarily by it.

“Wait, brother, I can barely see,” Loki pointed out as he stumbled over his feet a little.

Thor shook his head and shifted where his hand was holding Loki’s elbow, to hold him and guide him by the hip. He felt, and heard, Loki’s sharp intake of breath. It took all he had to ignore it. That was not why he’d brought him there.

He just needed the truth.

As soon as they made it the long way to Thor’s chambers (and Loki’s had been closer, but Thor for once wanted to have the upper hand and it felt more… appropriate to meet in his own chambers.) Thor released his brother and took another step away from him.

Temptation was heavy between them.

“Explain,” he said coolly. He needed to know what he could have done that was so bad that he deserved to be left in limbo, believing the most important person in his life had died.

Loki cleared his throat and smoothed down his robes a little. His hair was in disarray from the rain, and Thor desperately wanted to reach and smooth it away from his face.

But he couldn’t. Not when there was a new ache taking over the old one in his chest. Not when he didn’t know what he’d done to make Loki hate him so much.

“I had to, well, be free.” Loki began slowly. “You know, free from prison, free from father’s rule. Free from your reach.”

Thor swallowed hard and looked at his brother with narrowed blue eyes. “Free from my reach?”

Loki raised a brow like it were obvious. “Free from you letting our mother die, free from you gallivanting around the nine realms with that… woman of yours, getting everyone into so much trouble that you couldn’t untangle yourself from the web you’d woven. You didn’t even care about mother. You just--- the only thing you cared about was saving that _woman_.”

Thor was taken aback and he physically had to take a step away from his brother. It hurt. To hear him say such things. Had he really seemed so… so… enthralled with Jane that it had seemed as though he hadn’t loved anything else.

“I mourned mother,” he insisted, straightening his shoulders a little. “I mourned her, and then I mourned _you_, and now I’ll have our father to mourn.”

Loki snorted slightly. “You believe I’m powerful enough to kill our father?”

Thor’s eyes widened imperceptibly. “He’s alive?”

Loki looked away, his chin held high, and shrugged. “A brother and a father in one day. Yet… all you care about is your father. I thought--”

Thor forced his body, against all of his natural instincts, to take a step closer to Loki. “You think I don’t care that you’re alive? Like the pain I felt when you were killed in front of me was nothing? That I didn’t mourn you more than I’ve ever believed was possible? Did I not love you, brother?”

Loki licked his lips and green eyes, shining like jewels, focused a little uneasily on the older brother. “You told me you had. But there was also a time when you promised me that you would love no other. That was a lie.”

Thor’s eyes widened as he realized what is brother was really upset about. It wasn’t about their mother or how their father had betrayed him. It was because _Thor_ had betrayed him. Well. That was problematic.

“I didn’t lie to you,” Thor began, but Loki just raised one pale hand to stop him from speaking any further.

“They say I have a silver tongue, and yet you-- I have always believed anything you’ve said to me. So who is the truly mischievous one out of the two of us? If only your friends could see you the way I do. The Liar King of Asgard.”

Thor didn’t know how, so successfully, they had gone from speaking about Loki’s betrayal, to a betrayal that Thor hadn’t even thought existed.

But he could remember it as clear as day now that he was thinking about it. They’d been laying in the valley behind the palace. It had been so, so, so many years ago, that Thor had been bare-faced. He’d turned his head to look at his brother as they lay there, so close together that the tips of their fingers had touched, and had promised to love him, and no other, for the rest of his life.

It had been a stage of his life that no other had been able to hold a candle to how strong his feelings for his brother were. He’d loved him beyond all else. Which was saying something, because at that stage of his life, he’d been quite in love with himself as well.

“Loki…” He breathed as he took a step closer. “We’d just been children when I made that promise to you.”

Loki looked away again, and Thor thought he could see how brightly his eyes were shining, that maybe there were tears there. But no. Loki never cried. Thor had never seen him cry. Not in their entire life together.

“Are you telling me I was simply a-- what? A phase for you? You loved me for a little while, and then this woman came in and you realized-- hey. I’m good looking, she’s good looking, let’s make children?”

Thor didn’t wholly understand why Loki was so upset. He’d never reciprocated Thor’s feelings. He’d never once, in his entire life, told Thor that he’d loved him back.

Maybe that was why Thor had strayed. A one-sided love that had been painful-- Loki had betrayed him so many times… there was no way his troublesome brother had ever reciprocated his feelings.

After all, every time that Thor tried to stop him from doing something destructive, he tried to kill him. Stabbed him, or sent someone to kill him. Or worse. Tried to strand him on Midgard for the rest of his life, believing that mother hated him and father had died a broken man.

It ached inside of him to remember the hurts Loki had laid among him. He’d never realized how many of them there were until this moment. He hadn’t realized that Loki’s biggest pleasure seemed to come from causing him pain.

And still-- the face that Thor had caused Loki pain… enough pain to retaliate in such a miserable, terrible way. It made guilt wrap around Thor’s heart and squeeze. Truth be told, he’d never stopped loving Loki. He wanted him. He wanted him to want him back. Jane had been-- he’d not known how to love anyone the way he loved Loki. She’d known he’d been holding back, and he knew that, like him and his feelings for Loki, she loved him more than he loved her. It wasn’t fair.

Fair would be Thor being capable of loving someone else the way he’d always loved Loki. Fair would be Loki loving Thor back.

“I never wanted to make children with her, Loki, and I think you know that.” He said firmly. He wasn’t going to let Loki manipulate him into feeling guiltier than he already did. If anyone should feel guilty, it should be his brother.

Loki whipped his head back around. “But you did love her.” He wasn’t asking a question, he was stating a fact.

Thor shrugged one large, muscular shoulder a little. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

Loki’s expression twisted into something ugly and unpredictable as he took two strides closer to Thor. “And me? Is that another ‘Maybe, I don’t know?” He asked angrily.

Thor grabbed Loki by the wrist and held him still forcefully. They both knew that if Thor so wanted, he could prevent his brother from doing anything. Even moving closer. “You know I was in love with you. I told you as much. But not once, not even one time, did you tell me you felt the same way. Did you expect me to stay, to pine?”

Loki’s eyes widened and he struggled against Thor’s hands a little futilely. Like he was just trying to save face. “Of course I loved you, you utter fool,” Loki spat. “Do you think I would have gone through all nine realms trying to get your attention if I didn’t love you?”

Thor froze and the hand holding Loki’s wrist went slack. “Wait. You… love me?”

Loki lifted a hand to brush pale fingertips against Thor’s chin, brushing the hair there. “Obviously.”

Thor shook his head and closed his eyes against the well of emotion swelling inside of him. It was too much. He’d gone from having no one. To having… what was this? His… well, evil? Misguided? Who knew. Brother, telling him something he’d been longing to hear for hundreds of years.

“Why couldn’t you have told me this all those years ago?” He asked breathily, as another flash of lightning filled the room. 

Loki pressed the length of his body against Thor’s. “I thought I had. Maybe not… you know, verbally. But I was always there. My eyes never strayed. Not like yours did. You bedded woman after woman, and I just waited patiently, because you never showed affection for a single one of them. And I understood. You had desires, and though you loved me… you couldn’t be with me. Or didn’t want to be. Because I’m a man. Your brother.”

Thor shook his head and did what his fingers had been wanting to do for quite some time. Something he never thought would be possible. He brushed damp, stringy hair away from Loki’s face. “I don’t care about any of that. If you are a man, if you are my brother. I just want… you, Loki. Always you.”

Loki stared up at him with full lips parted as he seemed, for the first time in his entire long, long life, at a loss for words. “Thor--”

Thor didn’t want to hear anything that could ruin how he felt. He tilted his head down, and lifted Loki’s chin up, and brushed their lips together. It couldn’t have been his imagination how there was a spark of electricity between their lips, and judging by Loki’s sharp gasp, he felt it too.

This was what he’d wanted since he’d first known what it was to be Thor, son of Odin, future King of Asgard. His partner, his brother, his saviour. His Loki.

Loki parted his lips and Thor slid his tongue along that bottom lip. It was true that his brother seemed inexperienced. And he was trembling slightly in Thor’s grasp. Or was that Thor that was trembling? It could have been both of them. It probably was.

‘T-thor,” Loki gasped as Thor dragged sharp teeth over that plump bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth.

It was so unlike kissing anyone else that he’d ever had in his life. Usually, there was very little of this. He rarely kissed his conquests. Jane had been an exception, because she seemed to know exactly what she wanted. And sure her kisses were nice. They were soft, and pliant, and they made him warm, but nothing had ever released a heat through his whole body the way this kiss was.

His fingers tangled in Loki’s hair and he pulled him closer, licking into his mouth and groaning into the kiss. Loki was clinging to him, body pressed tightly close. Thor could feel that he was having the same effect on his brother as Loki was having on him. It was intoxicating. If nothing else, he wanted to take Loki right there, right then.

But he wouldn’t.

He was still angry, and the first time he took his brother, he didn’t want to hurt him worse than he already had in his anger.

“We can’t do this right now,” he panted as he pulled himself away from Loki with more strength than he’d ever known he’d had.

Loki blinked up blearily at Thor and his lips, the ones Thor had been kissing, turned down in a frown. “Why not?”

Thor licked his lips, still tasting the wine Loki had been drinking, and cleared his throat. He was staring at those lips like he would love nothing more than to show his brother just the sorts of things he’d learned from the maidens he’d been with.

No. Not right now.

“We have to go and save father from whatever fate you’ve decided to give him.”

Loki’s cheeks warmed a little and that frown deepened. “That’s what you’re thinking about right now?” He asked incredulously.

Thor shrugged and pulled entirely away, turning his back on his brother. “Don’t you think it would be better for the first time I take you to be _after_ you right your wrongs? And the worst of all of them being banishing our father to another realm?”

Loki sighed in frustration but stepped next to Thor, a scowl on his face. It was a familiar one. “Fine. Let’s go. But after… you owe me.”

Thor chuckled softly and nodded. “You’re right. I will owe you.”

Loki offered Thor a half a grin and turned away, heading towards the door. “Let’s go and get father. He’s on Midgard. Your favourite place.”

Thor let out a breath between his teeth that came out as more of a whistle than he’d intended, but followed his brother. This adventure was probably not going to be good.

But at least he had his Loki back.


End file.
